Sunday, November 22, 2009

The stuff of nightmares and unwelcome guests

While I am loathe to put myself out there like this, I need to know why this happened and if it's preventable.

I have a history of having nightmares that could probably be classified as night terrors happening twice a year or so, usually focusing on an apocalypse type of event and/or people I love dying horribly.

But I think this one was worse.

The first thing I remember was walking with a child on my right to see a white rabbit in the forest. As we approached, there was a blur of motion and in the blink of an eye, the rabbit was mauled. Dead. Then the child turned and looked at me in horror. I couldn't understand why.

Back among other people, they accused me, but I couldn't understand why. There was no evidence to point to this. Then I felt pieces of something in my mouth and spit them out. It was chunks of meat. I wiped my mouth with my white sleeve near my wrist and saw gobs of blood. More when I wiped with my other sleeve.

Cue consuming fear and self-doubt as to my sanity.

There was a skinny old priest yelling at me, much too close to me, for my evil actions.

The vision went on very long and I tried several times, unsuccessfully, to rouse myself. The events in the middle are fuzzy.

Later I visited a gorilla habitat after hours but the night watchman said it was OK. He let them out (15) and they lined up against the wall. For a moment they were men, convicts, unshackled. And I knew something about this wasn't right. Then two started to fight. They were gorillas again. I tried to back away but more appeared behind me, fighting. I was boxed in and they drew nearer, crushing me. I fell. I can't remember what was after that.

The last thing I remember was lying down, on a couch it seemed. Something or someone was on top of me. It seemed like the priest from before, but it wasn't. It seemed like a man, but it wasn't human. It was dry and thin and shriveled. But it was pressing me down and I couldn't move. My arms were free and I summoned all the energy I could, physical and otherwise, to push it off me, but it didn't budge, didn't react. I know I could have moved anything that was real. Terror and panic. I had gone to bed naked but was wearing clothes throughout the dream. Still, it felt as if the thing were violating me and I felt it moving atop me.

I continued to struggle to wake myself. I finally succeeded, breathing hard and searching the room, panicked, with my eyes when I came to. I awoke lying flat on my back with my hands resting atop my hips. I never sleep like this. As long as I've been here, I sleep on my side or stomach. My body still felt violated. I don't know what else to call it. My skin crawled with the memory of being shamed. And it was irritated and breaking out between my breasts and belly button. There was a small scratch.

I woke around 4 a.m. and curled up on my side after a while when I no longer feared to move. I had to get up and put clothes on before I could go back to sleep. It seemed so real. I really thought something had attacked me there in my room and was lingering, watching, waiting. But I didn't know what to do.

I put on an ex's t-shirt. I have very few things belonging to exes, but I associate the clothing with comfort. I wished so hard I had packed the ex's sweatshirt. But it had been so long since I felt I needed it, I didn't think I would while I was away from home. Maybe 30 minutes later, I finally fell asleep.

I got up about 9 a.m. and my skin still feels weird. My stomach feels queasy in relation to it. My hands are shaky. Still. I can't summon the words to explain the depth of the fear I felt that continued on and on in several situations. A highly stressful emotional state summoned again and again.

I hadn't eaten close to going to bed, and before I did, I was reading web comics, articles on life in Korea, and listening to the movie "Shakespeare in Love." I went to bed with a bout of homesickness but calmed myself by composing haikus before I fell asleep. So about this nightmare- wtf?

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