Friday, August 24, 2012

Baby booboo butt hurt

True Tales from Web-dating Misadventures

BBBBH: Hello im brad your profile own lake love etc.get brad
Moi: I enjoy correcting people's shitty grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Are you a child? How fucking hard is it to type a coherent message?
BBBBH: its not hard shit my bad i did not add ? marks or .s guess you dont want to talk?
Moi: Are you serious?
1. Capitalize and add an apostrophe to "It's."
2. Add a period at the end of a sentence. (After hard, bad, and .s)
3. Capitalize "shit," and put a comma after the interjection.
4. Capitalize the word "I."
5. "?" is a question mark, so when you write "? mark," it reads "question mark mark."
6. Wtf is ".s" supposed to be?
7. The word "don't" is a conjunction, so it requires an apostrophe as well.
BBBBH: your a fat ugly **** so stop messaging me you dumb ho have a nice day
Moi: If that's how you really feel, why did you message me to begin with? Unsolicited messages really only come from those who are interested and attracted. It seems you're just a little boy feeling butt hurt and lashing out over rejection. Good luck with that.
Maybe he's visually impaired?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Laughable, indeed.

True Tales from Web-dating Misadventures

From my POF profile:I am polyamorous, am very much in love, and have no intention of settling down. (I think it's no coincidence they call it "settling.") My boyfriend is aware that I'm looking to date other people singly. If you'd like to know more about it, please feel free to ask me politely.
Jizzpuppet: there's no way you've had any luck on this??? how is this working out for you? does your boyfriend go on the date with you? and does he do the same... see other women?
Moi: The plentyoffish bowl does seem to be full of shit, but I have been out with people from other sites. Overall, web-dating hasn't worked out for me- I do much better dating among my circles of friends. Exactly what part of "My boyfriend is aware that I'm looking to date other people singly" is unclear? And yes, he does have another girlfriend.
Jizzpuppet: lol... you are so fuckin weird it's laughable. I bet you think the world is coming to an end, dont you? fuckin lunatic.. hahahaah
Moi: Sure beats being small-minded and trolling women for the sole purpose of insulting them. Who the fuck do you think you are to judge me? May you never have children to teach such a hateful worldview to, you sorry jizzpuppet.
More than a week later, he wrote: I actually kinda dig you now.. haha

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I am not stupied!

True Tales from Web-dating Misadventures

The first line of my POF profile in boldface: Please message me only if you are intelligent and articulate. I spend 8 hours a day copy editing people's shitty writing. Don't give me more work.

TehDumb: i lik you pics. u are real pretty and would like to get to know you better. ok.
Copyeditor: You have obviously failed to read my profile. Thanks for playing. Better luck next time.
TehDumb: why you said that?
TehDumb: anyway you look not so nice and i was playing right because i am looking just fuck body
and your profile so long i am not stupied to read that and pof no body looking real lol
are you ok or not haha
Copyeditor: I can't understand anything you're saying. Do you speak English?
I received a notification that he sent a reply, but he blocked me before I could see it. :(

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

SPAM, please!

True Tales from Web-dating Misadventures

What to do with this phone number I spontaneously received (unasked) on a dating website?

Wine and dance tonight? :) [txt 214.335.3456] Tony. Wine and dance tonight? :) [txt 214.335.3456] Tony. Wine and dance tonight? :) [txt 214.335.3456] Tony

OkStupid 1

True Tales from Web-dating Misadventures

An unsolicited message from OkCupid:
I eat you out with my silver tongue in exchange for a blowjob :)

His profile says he's studying "romantic psychology." Pfft.

Et moi: Would you approach a woman at a bar with that line? No, because you’d be assaulted. So why would you think it's acceptable to do online? Do you really believe that soliciting fellatio is an effective method of garnering a woman’s interest? Or are you a sadist intentionally seeking castigation? If it’s the latter, how about I step on your balls while penetrating your ass with my 10-inch dildo to show you a little something about "romantic psychology" and teach that silver tongue of yours some respect?

Oddly enough, he never replied.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

UnSweet Dreams

A sleeping witch has naughty dreams
Of nighttime’s creepy, crawly things.
Soundly resting in her lair,
Spiders wriggle through her hair.
Beneath her bed the mice scurry
Over something dead and furry.
And down the hall a great black cat
Trains his gaze on a yummy rat.
As musty smells so gently glide
Across the floor with snakes that slide,
The little witch sees goblins prowl,
And something mean begins to growl.
Murmuring curses, she smiles sweetly,
Trapping children so they can’t flee.
Tasty fingers, scrumptious bellies—
She likes them best with slimy jellies.
She licks her lips and grins with glee,
But a crow cries—she wakes quickly.
Disappointed, she rubs her hands,
And soon she makes new evil plans.

Friday, September 2, 2011

What am I doing?

I work in the call center for an insurance brokerage agency. I'm in charge of the appointment setters, myself included, who cold-call old folks to try to schedule them for appointments with our agents who will then try to sell them health insurance and/or death insurance. I do a little bit of paperwork around the office, mostly creating training materials and document templates since the business is new. Today I even recorded our voice mail message. Exciting stuff, huh?

I've also just begun an internship as a content writer for a Plano blog. Boss man's gonna teach me a bit about SEO optimization and detailed blog publishing, lots of good stuff to tack onto my resume, and has promised a glowing recommendation for future job endeavors.

Lastly, I'm teaching a burlesque dance class once a week and looking into a few other studios to teach also a belly dance drills and conditioning class, more fitness than choreography focused. I really enjoy it, so hopefully that will work out for me.

In my free time, I've been hanging out and performing with a local circus club. My most recent piece was a gold-sequined burlesque performance. The pics look great so far and I can't wait to see the video go up. I met a Dallas burlesque performer last week who's booking me to dance at a few events in the coming months. I'm pretty excited about where this all could be headed.

I placed third at the Emerald Hills Dragon Master arts competition last Sunday. It's held every 6 months and I only had 1 month to prepare. I only intended to make a showing of a handful of items (3 photographs, a painted tile, 2 written articles, a fire poi performance, and a belly dance), but they all scored pretty well. Yay me. Just imagine the next time around when I have time to put more effort into things.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'll let you know if anything exciting happens over the holiday weekend, but I have no plans outside of pet-sitting and am looking forward to some dullness.